The Return of The World Famous (but all too infrequent) If I Had A Minute To Spare Global Caption Competition of Death and Love and Harmony


It has been over one year and six months since my last submission, and frankly I’m apologetic. But as a means of earning your forgiveness, I present to you the grand return of everyone’s favourite World Famous (but all too infrequent) If I Had a Minute to Spare Global Caption Competition of Death and Love and Harmony (yes, regulars will now not the World Famous (but all too infrequent) If I Had a Minute to Spare Global Caption Competition of Death and Love is now harmonious).

Imagine, December 2011 was the last time this competition graced these humble pages. It’s not because I don’t love you and your love of this wonderous competition, it’s just that I haven’t found the right moment captured by a humble lens, if I have bothered looking at all.

So my humble followers, I present the grand return and your chance to wax witicisms aplenty of the magicalness of this photograph, courtesy of Vocie of Ameica’s  Steve Herman over on the ould tweeter.

Yes he is factual, but surely we can provide something a little more fanatical for such a fanatic. It’s something about that stick, those men in uniforms with their smaller pens, it’s … it’s … it’s over to you!

Feeding the North Korean Troll


Enough is enough. Kim Jung Un this is for you:

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We’ve had enough of your unappreciative tone, and like a screaming and whining little misbehaving child, we are giving you exactly what you want; a big plate of fried chicken (from Suwon’s finest 진미통닭 no less).

You see there appears to be no other solution. You have trolled the international media far too long, and I for one have had enough.

For starters, my twitter feed is full of newspapers making you out to be important, while all the while we just see is you hiding under that big black coat and looking at really old looking phallic military pariphenalia.

We get it, you miss your dad and feel obliged to pretend you are him, which is sweet, but at the same time why don’t you just do us all a favour and fuck off. Yes just fuck off.

We’ve more interesting stuff to be worrying about and complaining about on the Internet. You might not realise it but there are some of us here who actually use the Internet for wasting hours and hours of our time on a daily basis. You are making this activity near unbearable with your poxy threat laden excretions.

So as I was saying, eat the chicken, shut up, and be happy the world doesn’t get it into their heads that you’re worth blowing up, or something to that effect you self serving YouTube warrior!

P.S. Get a better haircut please, I beseech you for the sake of humanity.

Letter from Korea, Christmas 2010


Somewhere in Gyeonggi-do,
South Korea
9/1/2011

Dear Ireland

Christmas! Yes, Christmas. It was an interesting one to say the least. It was a busy Christmas too, but not in the usual sense because of the news delivered to me on Christmas Eve that I would be spending a week literally in lock up. I had been nominated by the powers that be to be one of the writers for a kind of mid-way entry exam to the university I work at. That’s why my Chirstmas post is coming well into 2011, and not while the tinsel still holds some facet of festive cheer. More about this later. As I said, Christmas came and went, abruptly, but not without character.

Since 2005, when I first came here, Christmas in Korea has been gradually gaining in significance. I am not really sure why to be honest though. Maybe it’s because the kids have eventually turned around and said, well it’s all well and good being sent to an English school and being filled to the brim full of Santa and Rudolph stories, but enough is enough, it’s time Santa made a stopover in Korea; how he gets down the chimney in the Remian and Lotte Castle twenty-five storey apartment buildings is a mystery beyond my powers of comprehension.

Official NORAD (whatever the jaysus that means) Santa Tracker! Truly magical!

Incidentally whilst on the subject of Santa, and completely off the point of my Christmas in Korea, on Christmas Eve I came across a website that provided a Santa tracker, which I thought was incredible but not many shared the same enthusiasm for it. When I first checked it, Old Saint Nick had had his wicked way with South Korea and was in Pyongyang. I wonder how Santa got along there and whether or not it was a busy stopover. Did Santa have to clear his identity and purpose of visit with whichever department is responsible for foreign visits in North Korea. Where did he apply for initial visa? Perhaps there is a consulate of the DPRK in the North Pole. The South Korean government can’t have been too happy with him crossing the DMZ without permission, or did he come from Japan? This can’t have curried too much favour with overly nationalist elements in either North or South Korea. I also wonder what the kids asked for; probably eternal happiness, a bunch of strippers and a container full of Crystal Champagne for Kim Jung-un.

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